S.D. and I spend time being spooks, for a few reasons, none more important than any other. When we're being spooks, though, we get a lot of comments, reactions, and wonderment at the simple fact that we put on make-up and scare the piss out of people to raise money for charities. I'm going to attempt to respond to the many reactions and comments we've received over the years.
Do those contacts hurt?
no, but they itch like crazy and mess up my night vision.
They allow you to do this?
not only do "they" allow us to do this, but we are asked to, and all of our friends do it. Turn off the TV sometime and check out your community, chances are, you can get involved, too.
Are those your real teeth?
no. they're someone else's, what the hell do you think? We went through great expense to have custom made fangs, just so we could more effectively become monsters to scare you to raise money for charities.
Your breath stinks!
really? I hadn't noticed. For one, I'm wearing fangs (see above) that keep me from closing my mouth all the way, and that makes one's breath turn ghastly in very short order. For two, what do you expect the undead to smell like? minty fresh? You're lucky we bathed last night to get the latex out of our hair!
Wanna tick tack?
see above and be glad we aren't allowed to hit you.
You're hot. wanna kiss?
no, especially not you. If I wanted to kiss an obnoxious drunk, I'd get SD drunk and kiss him. Oh, and hitting on the monsters to act cool? yeah, not so much, it makes us think that you're a big asshole, and, BTW, we talk about you disparagingly after you leave the set.
No No No! Just stop! I have to pee! (or.. I just peed)
good. we did our job. (and, BTW, you just made our night!)
Doesn't it make you feel bad to make a developmentally disabled person terrified?
nope. not even a little bit.
How long have you been doing this?
um.. about 13 years or so, and not gonna stop now.
I'm too scared to go into a haunted house! How do you do that? Aren't you scared?
no. My closest friends are hanging out with me, we all dress up like monsters to have a good time. Monsters don't scare each other, it's bad form. If you want to be a monster, just contact your local non-profit haunted house, they'll make going through a haunted house not scary anymore.
I can't get my little sister/girlfriend/mom/aunt to go through a haunt, how do I get them to go?
remember this: real monsters don't wear tennis shoes. If you look down and see tennis shoes, it's just an actor, okay? And if they really don't want to go and you make them go, be prepared to go do something you really would rather not in the future.
I can't go to haunted houses since I was a little kid and my parents made me to through a haunted house and I was so scared?
yeah, your parents were what we call dickheads. Believe it or not, monsters are NOT cool with parents who bring little kids through haunts not aimed at little kids. We actually think you're an asshole for fucking up your kid that way and will often hang back, trying to ameliorate the damage that you're doing to the poor little bastard. Just leave the kids at home until they actually want to come, and at that point, they'll find the Jaycee haunt in town all by themselves.
Why do you attack women?
because they scream and we like the feedback. If you want monsters to pay more attention to you, react to them and act scared, no reaction will get you no attention.
And to sum up, no, the monsters don't want to go home with you, they don't think you're funny when you loudly joke, if you're too drunk to know or care what's going on around you, we're just glad you're going to leave. We love people who come out, want to have the experience, want to be scared and want to have a good time, and if you're not into that, just stay home and watch Jay Leno.
People who haunt do it for the love of the game, not for money or personal gain, we just couldn't do it if that were the case. October is our favorite month and Halloween is our favorite holiday, and sometimes, sometimes, we'll take out our costumes, gaze at them, longing for fall, tip back a brew, and dream of dark and spooky places.
love it.
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