Decorating the tree like a pro

Here's a bit of a tutorial on how to decorate your Yule tree from someone who used to do it for a living.  Many times, people make their Charlie Brown tree make do, and if you're as uptight as I am, that simply will not do.  First, a few points:

1. use a real tree, as big as you can allow in your space

2. if you need an artificial tree, fluff it as you put it together, so it doesn't have tree-bed head


3. you will use more lights than you have on hand, get a strip connector now


4. more is pretty much always better, "simple" and "understated" just won't do for the winter holiday season


5. alcohol always helps


First, lights.  When using lights, you can string 5 together without blowing the fuse, so stack your light strings in piles of 5.  Untangle them as you go, a partner is always helpful in this respect.  Each branch gets lights woven in and around it, then pushed into the center of the tree.  String lights up and down each branch.  Our average 8' tree takes about 4000 lights, so that would be 500 lights per foot of height, on average over the whole tree.


When applying lights, make sure those tags are all cut off.  The tags look nasty and are better off in the trash.  Always push the connections way in toward the trunk.  You're not plugging anything else into them, so hide them as best you can.


Second, ornaments.  Use lots.  No, more than that.  Put the plain but shiny ones way deep in by the trunk, so they can reflect the twinkle lights and give depth to the tree.  Put the more sentimental ones out toward the exterior of the tree where people can appreciate them.  We often have three layers of simply ornaments on the tree.


If you have a special ornament, say, a heavy cat, or a heavy tree, use sturdy wire or a pipe cleaner, and put them on a lower, sturdier branch.  People may not be able to see them, but you and feel comfort in knowing they are there.  By now, you ought to be about 3 cocktails into your afternoon.


Third, garland or tinsel.  We tend to use silver glittered snowflakes for our garland, just right over the top of everything, and then put gold tinsel over the top of that.  Don't be afraid of using plenty.  This is the sparkle season, even though many people just don't get that part.


Wire garland is quite attractive, but only lasts about 2 to 3 years.  Be careful when using it, as it can sometimes springload and projectile throw your ornaments to the floor.  Sometimes it looks like razor wire.  Use discretion if deciding on wire garland; it could go quite well, or horribly awry.


I'm a purist and will always have a star on top of my tree.  It's my general thought that angels look uncomfortable with a pine-fresh suppository, so, I stick with a star.  My preference is for light-up ones, although I made the coolest star ever for mom and dad a million years ago.  We're just damn lucky that it hasn't decided to put anyone's eye out. (solid brass with 3D pointy bits)  


So, there you go, three easy steps.  Remember, go big, go sparkly, go heavy on the lights and glitter.  Got it? good.